It's Fish-Stick Friday

I'm having flashbacks!

2004-10-19T16:24:00.000-04:00

I must have taken too much LSD back in 'nam.

Either that or I'm been smoking Kid_Lysol's crack again.

A new web-site...

2004-10-17T16:19:00.000-04:00

I'm going to start a new web-site. Not just a blog, but a place to put all my writing, art, computer programs, and various other sundries. It is also where I will move my blog. I was thinking of calling it Fish-Stick Friday, but ahve decided to retire that name. I have also thought of calling it felger.net or halivar.net, but I think both would be cheesey and self-aggrandizing.

So, here's the challenge, What will I call my web-site?

We proudly offer you our nuts!

2004-10-08T13:29:00.000-04:00

This picture was sent to me by one of my best friends, Jamie, in Japan. In case you can't read it, the caption is "We proudly offer you our nuts. It has a frgrant flavor and taste."

You can't buy comedy like this, folks. Oh wait; yes, you can. You can buy "High Quality Nuts & Dried Fruits" in Tokyo! Hey Jamie, does this mean you come in the bag?

The Lord hath spoken: Thou shalt die by cuteness!

2004-10-07T10:43:00.000-04:00

Behold your destroyer, who shalt kill you deadly, verily, with cuteness: the little girl singing the cuppy-cake song! Behold, and despair:

You're my honey-bunch sugar-plum
Pumpy-umpy-umpkin
You're my sweetie-pie
You're my cuppy-cake gumdrop
Snookem' snookem' (shnorgh)
The apple of my eye...

It puts the song in the loop then puts the song in its ear. Can you find the original country version? Post it here!

Magic 8-Ball Picks...

2004-10-06T11:11:00.000-04:00

Right now on Magic 8-Ball Picks, the Magic 8-Ball is taking a beating. Through my savvy wisdom and NFL-prowess, I now have a winning record, and am tied for first place! Woo hoo! This week I plan to take the gold, and undisputed first place.

Unfortunately, in Fantasy Football, the Blue Falcons got half its players on a bye week, including my much-need Priest Holmes. It looks like I may be knocked from my lofty perch as league leader and one of only two undefeated records.

Time will tell.

I am the champion...

2004-10-06T10:32:00.000-04:00

Last night I beat Final Fantasy X-2. It was a fun game, and mostly makes me want to go back and play FFX (which I've never played before). The end bad guy was a joke because I'd leveled up to some crazy, unbelievable level (70) before I fought him.

PS: In the end, Tiddus is really Keiser Sose. Just thought I'd spoil that for you.

NEXT UP: Star Ocean!

The campaign heats up!

2004-10-04T11:03:00.000-04:00

This message is brought to you by the Clone War Veterans for Truth.

In search of... Space People

2004-10-01T16:20:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's true: the Illuminati are behind the war in Iraq. Only the Arcturians can save the earth now.

Teach your kids about space people through coloring!

Learn the horrible truth about Jewish Space Aliens!!!

Your mission, should you choose to accept it: find information about space aliens and post here. Let this blog be the repository of all things space-alien-ish!!!

Halivar, Football Oracle

2004-09-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

Last week I did an embarrassing 1-4 for our office NFL picks. This week, however, I did a terrific 4-0. See my stats at Magic8BallPicks.com (look for "Blue Falcon", that's me!). Tonight, after the 'skins stomp the Cowboys properly, I'll be 5-0 and I'll have this week's Gold Star.

In Fantasy Football, the Blue Falcons got 126 to the Go-Aheads 83. After tonight's game I'll get extra points for Coles, putting me into the #1 spot for my league. Last week I said I was going to leave Brett Favre on the bench to see how Al Brooks plays out. This week Brooks did very well again, but Favre outshone him big-time. After this week I'm going to put Brooks on the bench and see if I can trade him to the Go-Aheads for... dare I say it... Randy Moss?

Time will tell.

VegasGustan, Riddle Master

2004-09-25T22:03:00.000-04:00

Kid_Lysol's Riddle Challenge has spilled over to Fishstick Friday! VegasGustan, aka Ryan@LasVegas.com, has posed these three riddles to me, which I must now answer. For those who wish to asnwer them themselves, I'll hide the answers in black blocks. Highlight with your mouse to reveal my answer:

When I am filled
I can point the way,
When I am empty
Nothing moves me,
I have two skins
One without and one within.

At first I was thinking one of those compasses with the ball in the middle (as it actually fits the riddle perfectly). However, my problem is that I try my riddles too straight. I never was good at metaphor. So, I pick a different answer; one that fits like a glove.

With thieves I consort,
With the vilest, in short,
I'm quite at ease in depravity;
Yet all divines use me,
And savants can't lose me,
For I am the center of gravity.

At first I was thinking "money", but the depravity line didn't fit, and neither did the "center of gravity" bit. Appears I made VegasGustan's mistake of looking too hard at it. This riddle was brought to you by the letter v.

Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it,
Five in the middle is seen;
First of all figures, the first of all letters,
Take up their stations between.
Join all together, and then you will bring
Before you the name of an eminent king.

I hate you, VegasGustan, for making me take too long on this one. I sat here trying to wrack my brain thinking of ways to fit this riddle to a 500 dollar bill, but alas; it was all for naught. I needed a way to change those numbers to letters, and then it occurred to me: Roman numerals. Anyone who's taken latin knows that 5 is "V". More obscure (I had to look it up) is that 500 is "D". so we have D_V_D. Ok, at this point I already know who it is, but let's keep working, shall we? First of all figures; that was tough. I knew "first of all letters" definitely "A". So, let's equate "figures" to "numbers". Thus "first of all figures" is 1, or "I". Thus, the answer is David.

Here's one for you, VegasGustan:

It's written in stone
and you can't move it yourself.
If you really want to see it,
It begins tonight.

The Last Starfighter: The Musical...

2004-09-23T12:05:00.000-04:00

That's right, friends... the Last Starfighter is becoming a NYC musical. I can't wait to see the death blossom intergalactic super-spastic music-and-laser dance show. Press the button, Alex! Do it!

Political fishsticks with spicy-hot tartar sauce...

2004-09-22T10:59:00.000-04:00

Ok, time for my first political post. I'm normally a pretty free-wheeling guy around here, so I try not to keep it too serious. But, since it's my blog and I'll blog if I want to (blog if I want to... blo-og if I want to...), I'll state my thoughts on a few things, from a distinctly American persective, of course:

The UN: They hate us. And that's cool. Being the leader of the free-world isn't a popularity contest. If I wanted the US to be well-liked, the best course of action would be to follow our pre-WWI and pre-WWII attitudes of mercenary mercantalism and a doctrine of global non-intervention (in effect, isolationism in everything except basic trade).

What the UN wants from us is bad. They want us to stop rocking the boat, stop making waves, and stop acting like the hero. There are several reasons for this:

(1) There is too much to be lost by setting the world to rights. Russia and France, especially, lost out big losing Iraq as a prominent trade partner. We now know that a significant portion of the UN beureaucracy was engaged in fraud in the Oil-for-Food program, and Kofi Annan's (Gen. Sec. of the UN) son may be implicated.

(2) American hegemony is unappreciated competition. Today, the US is the world's largest economy. Within 10 years, it will be the third largest behind China and the European Union. While China generally has the same isolationist attitude that America used to have pre-WWII, the EU does not. They sense their own nascent economic power, and want it matched by political clout. They feel it's inherintly unfair that a declining super-power (the US) should still be able to dictate world policy. This is especially true of France; they view themselves as the embodiment of the EU. French leaders consider the rest of the EU, to a large extent, to be merely proxies of themselves (note US-Iraq war-time statements by Chirac stating that lesser EU members should "hold their tongue" when commenting on the war. The arrogance and patronization in France's tone to it's fellow members denotes a strong feeling of superiority and expectation of compliance). France, to be blunt, sees itself as the new replacement for the US as the leader of the western free world. The US is an impediment to those aspirations.

(3) When the US does the right thing, there is an expectation placed on others to do the same. This is why everyone hates a goody-goody. Decisiveness outlines indecision, altruism outlines selfishness, and bravery outlines cowardice. The UN's call for the US to get global permission before persuing international intervention is a means by which the UN can mask its own moral paralysis behind the seemingly-ordered beureaucratic black-hole that any discussion of intervention in the UN turns into. The UN, on some level, is shamed by the fact that they will not, or can not, effectively act on behalf of the poor and oppressed in the world. They turn that shame into blame; blaming the US for acting on principle so as to shed light on their own inaction and impotence. The UN thinks that by holding a committee and talking, they have done enough. History will always remember Neville Chamberlain as a fool, and we've got a room-full of Neville's in the UN, congratulating themselves on making peace with the Hitler's of tomorrow.

If America wasn't such so self-serving in 1938, and had decided to invade Germany and take out Hitler (something I like to think we would do if we had to do it over again), you can be sure that Neville Chamberlain would call us an arrogant bully for doing what we think (and everyone else knows) is right. And today, French and German diplomats have the nerve to compare our president to Adolf Hitler. Frankly, my friends, I don't give a damn. If they won't stop Saddam, they won't stop us, either.

Memogate: Okay, we all know the memos are fake, right? Good. Now, one might be ready to go ahead and string up the whole Kerry campaign over this, but the well-reasoned thinker would say, "but what about the Swift Boat Vet's? They were fake, too." Well, some of them, at least. That's a known fact: some of the SBV's are lying through their teeth about having any knowledge of Kerry in Vietnam. There is a fundamental difference, however. When the SBV story broke, it was found that a low-ranking Bush campaign lieutenant had been informally advising them (though not in any official capacity). That man resigned. Today we know that a high-ranking Kerry advisor spoke not once (as he has claimed) but twice to Burkett, the man who made the forged memos. That man remains in the Kerry campaign. We know that CBS put Burkett straight through to the Kerry campaign before the story even broke. CBS, believing the memos to be true, orchestrated events so as to provide the biggest possible boost to the Kerry campaign. Liberals (again, using the distinctly American definition of the word) like to mock FoxNews' slogan "Fair and balanced". To be sure, FoxNews is as ardently right-wing as they come (except for The Passion of the Christ, which their "Fox 411" column trashed repeatedly). In this sense, however, they provide fairness and balance by providing the opposite side of the story that we get from CBS, a network that is comprised entirely of liberals and Kerry supporters (Dan Rather himself has spoken at Democratic fundraisers, and his daughter is well-known in Democratic fund-raising circles). I remember Dan Rather crying with tears of joy when Bush Sr. was first replaced ("mandate of the people" he called it). I'll be crying tears of joy when he gets replaced. May happen sooner than later.

Ok, there are your political fishsticks. Maybe you didn't like them, but they're fishsticks, fer cryin' out loud; they're supposed to taste nasty.

This season's football picks...

2004-09-21T14:55:00.000-04:00

I'm 3-7 on football picks this season, making me MVP (most valuable pile) on our office pick board. There's even a nice, steamy pile next to my name. This week I went 0-5 on my picks. What suckage. Check out my progress at our office Magic 8-ball picks page.

PS: My Fantasy Football team is doing pretty nice. I got Al Brooks as my QB, and he had a nice week. We'll see how he does; if he doesn't pan out I can always put in my bench-warmer, Brett Favre. With P. Holmes and M. Faulk as my RB's I think I may go all the way to the top in my office league. This week I scored second highest in the office, just one point behind #1.

It's been too long...

2004-09-10T05:42:00.000-04:00

It's Fish-Stick Friday, Superfriends, and I'm excited to be here. Yesterday was a mini-Saturday for me, as I took PTO (that's paid time-off for you non-salaried folks out there) for the first time ever. It's amazing how much you can do with one day off. It's funny, because never have I had a Saturday as productive as my Thursday off was.

I went and got contacts yesterday morning (first time in years). Unfortunately, the perscription is off, so all the letters are swimming on the screen right now. If the spelling is off, sorry. I gotta get a new persciption next Thursday (more PTO! w00t!).

It's ok, though, I promise not to be too happy. Meatloaf Monday is only three days away.

MEATLOAF MONDAY!!!

2004-09-07T11:41:00.000-04:00

It's Meatloaf Monday again. Yes, Monday. Yesterdaborday was a Labor Day (yes it's a rip-off of Homestar; I don't care because it's Meatloaf Monday), and that means yesterday didn't count. So, here's my meatloaf:

- It's been a week since I last blogged. That sucks.

- Hurricane Frances is dumping all over my morning. I was running into the building when I slammed into a foot-deep puddle. I am still wet.

- $207.34 is what I have left in my account as of now. There is a $200 check outstanding I wrote for rent and a $2.00 tip that hasn't posted. The remaining $5.34 must last me until Friday. Looks like I'll be eating off of Mexican coupons again.

- Some lady from the bank I took my student loans from is calling my former employer twenty times a day. I thought I didn't start owing until this month, but it looks like I may have been wrong. The disaster might have been mitigated if I'd been told they were trying to contact me months ago.

- I'm hungry again. And broke.

- I have to go walk two blocks in the rain now. See you folks later if I make it alive.

I know it's Tuesday, but it's a Meatloaf Monday for me.

It's time to rock...

2004-09-02T01:52:00.000-04:00

Everyone needs to go pick up the new Hawethorne Heights CD. Then you need to head over to this site and watch the video for Ohio is for lovers. Oh yeah, crack that nut and get the goodie out.

Let there be rock...

2004-08-31T23:45:00.000-04:00

I need an electric guitar. I hear a friend of a friend of a friend is selling one. I'm thinking I may have no choice but to buy now.

Today my co-worker gave me quite a present: a Peavey half-stack with two 15's (the heads are Eminance; anyone ever heard of them?), a Fender amp to go with it. Cost? Zilch. He had to get them out of a costly storage unit. Still, I offered him money and he wouldn't take it. It fits quite snuggly between my bookcase and bed.

It's a sign from above; a divine preordination, if you will. By holy fiat, I must rock.

Top 5 songs about... (Vol. I)

2004-08-31T06:10:00.000-04:00

Ok, you gotta chime in and leave your top 5 cheesey love songs. You know, the ones that get you all nostalgic about that one girl way back when. Here's mine. Warning: extreme cheesiness lies ahead.

1) Police - Every little thing she does
2) Chicago - You're the inspiration
3) The Monkeys - Daydream believer
4) Wings - Silly love songs
5) Peter Cetera - Glory of love [EDIT: This has been replaced with Foreigner - I wanna know what love is. Thanks, Kid_Lysol!]

Honorable mentions: Mr. Mister (Broken wings), Foreigner (You're all I am), Survivor (How much love), John Denver (Annie's song), Jim Croce (Time in a bottle), Bryan Adams (I do it for you), and Extreme (More than words).

Post your top 5! Kid_Lysol, remember the parameters of the challenge. The songs must be cheesey.

Quick follow-up...

2004-08-30T19:03:00.000-04:00

I'm not hungry anymore. Also, I got the site working perfectly in Internet Explorer. The bar on the left is a bit fatter now, the buttons at the top are stretched out correctly, and everything is, in general, looking much better.

However, my check to the power company bounced a week ago because it cleared before I got my deposit in on time, and I have to write a new one today.

And to think, Monday doesn't end until midnight...

Meatloaf Monday (Vol I)

2004-08-30T11:56:00.000-04:00

It's not Fish-Stick Friday. Today is Meatloaf Monday. This is my continuing series of things that suck on my Monday morning. You know it's true; Mondays suck. So come along and join me in hating my Monday!

- My car broke down again. This time I have no clue what it is. It breaks down three times a month, and I don't have the cash for a new car.

- My uncle is now living with my parents. It's a nice gig if you can get it: party your life away with all the drugs, booze, and cigarettes your body can handle before it starts shutting down, get off scott-free on your rap sheet, and get a well-meaning Christian relative to put you up for four years. Then when it's all over you can dupe your brother to put you up for the rest of your life. And to think, you never have to hold down a steady job for as long as you live.

- I'm hungry.

- My primary computer at work is broken. We can't get the Ghost server to work with it.

- The computer that gives me my work assignments is broken.

- I promised the lady that runs a non-profit private school (for under-privileged inner-city children here in Augusta) that I'd have two new computers for her school today. Unfortunately, because my car is broken I can't get them there.

- The new look still doesn't work right in Internet Explorer. The column on the left is too thin, and the "Home" and "Mail Me" buttons at the top are too small, as well. If you want to know what it's supposed to look like, open it up in Mozilla or Firefox.

Man, I hate meatloaf.

Sponsor a vegetarian...

2004-08-27T19:23:00.000-04:00

Are you sponsoring a vegetarian? It's very important. Our vegetarians need your help in keeping up their end of the meat-eating process. This site can help. Vegetarian sponsorship is something that needs to be taken seriously; don't commit unless you're in it for the long haul.

Remember folks: vegetables aren't food; they're what food eats!

Let the games begin...

2004-08-26T22:54:00.000-04:00

I pretty much stopped playing video games a couple years ago. What happened? I had no time. I needed to graduate. I couldn't afford the games. PC games are $60 a pop and I couldn't afford it. Then the games got too fast, and they wouldn't run on my five-year-old computer. I couldn't get a console because they were too expensive, and I had no one to play with. Today I make a little bit more money.

Tonight, me and my roommate ran into CompUSA as they were closing up and bought a Playstation 2. Was it an impulse buy? Heck, yeah. He wanted to play Final Fantasy, and I just wanted to play something. Then I saw it... then I remembered... one game from college. The game I spent at least $100 over those 6 years pumping quarters into. The game I could beat just by hitting Up+Up+K+K over and over again. Oh, sweet, sweet Sophitia, how I loved thee. Yes, the was game Soul Calibur. No longer for the DreamCast; I discover to my delight that Soul Calibur 2 is for PS2. My fate was sealed. I had to buy.

Sophitia, my love, once I unlock your character, we shall be together again; I swear it!!!

PS: Kid_Lysol, I don't want to hear about your hippy-commie X-Box. Long live Sony!

I am an idiot... but it's ok!

2004-08-26T19:30:00.000-04:00

If you haven't heard, GMail is the latest thing, but it's still beta, so only a select few can get it. If you have it, you can invite a certain number of people to come join GMail, too. So, invites are in high demand (selling for $$ on ebay), and the supply is short.

So, here's our story. My boss hands me an email address and tells me this person has a few spare invites lying around. So I send this email:

Hey Katie,

I'm a co-worker of Jason XXX's (I used his full name --Hal), and he mentioned that you might possibly have a spare GMail invite laying around. Since Jason's your friend, and I'm Jason's friend, by Law of Transitivity, I too am your friend. I was just wondering if I might (possibly) have a GMail invite? If not, that's cool (but not as cool) too.

Thanks,
--Brandon (not a complete stranger)

Then I IM my boss:

Brandon Felger (26.08.2004 16:24): I just sent her, I think, the wierdest email I've ever sent.
Brandon Felger (26.08.2004 16:25): She might not be your friend anymore. :)
Jason XXX (26.08.2004 16:25): uhoh
Jason XXX (26.08.2004 16:25): She doesn't know me

Uh oh. So I quickly send off this email:

Hey Katie...

I just found out that you probably don't know who I was referring to. My apologies. You can ignore the previous email. :(

--Brandon (*is* a complete stranger, and feels stupid)

Lo and behold, I get this replay:

Hahaha I think you're a hoot! Just sent your invite...

That's right, folks. My new email address is bfelger@gmail.com. Score one for nice people. :)

It feels like Friday...

2004-08-26T11:49:00.000-04:00

Fish-Stick Friday, that is. It turns out that the design works out fine in IE; it just needed some minor tweeking to work correctly. Specifically, all the text alignments were centered (I tested at home in Firefox, which I guess defaults to left alignment), and the left-hand nav-bar was in the middle of the left column instead of at the top. A couple quick fixes and it looks perfect in IE. At least, perfect to me.

Today really does feel like Friday. The kind of day where you lounge around and don't do anything productive. Those are good, good days. But unfortunately, that is not today.

But the day is not all to waste. I have a new friend. He's crude, rude, and swears like a sailor. Meet my friend, Foamy the Squirrel.

The new face of It's Fish-Stick Friday

2004-08-26T00:23:00.000-04:00

Here it is: The New Improved It's Fish-Stick Friday. I hand-wrote the new web design based on a design I posted on the Open Source Web Design site called Celestia. The design was well-received when I originally wrote it in January 2002 and spent a short time at the top of the most-downloaded list. It remains the third most-downloaded design I've made so far.

Now, because this was an actual rewrite, some things are broken. The site is guaranteed to work in Mozilla 1.7 and guaranteed not to work in Konqueror 3.2.3. I have no clue what it looks like in Internet Explorer, and I won't until I get to work tomorrow.

Tomorrow it should look perfect after I tweak any bugs that may lie dormant in the code. Please comment and/or critique. If you think purple is for sissies, go jump in a lake instead.

A lake of burning radioactive hydrochloric acid with psychotic hormonally-enhanced sharks, that is.

Wednesday News...

2004-08-25T14:07:00.000-04:00

From now on, on Wednesday's I'm going to post a bullet-list of what's going on the world that important (or, at least, vaguely interesting) to me.

- SCO vs. IBM is climaxing. I expect the Utah court to throw out copyright infringement charges against IBM. Big win for Linux.

- SCO share price has dropped below $4 and looks to stay there. Last I updated, $3.61. I expect shorts to cover in droves at any point. Another big win for Linux.

- The Unisys patent on the LZW compression algorithm has expired. That means GIF's are now safe again. Of course, Unisys is offering patent licenses for a new, improved Super-GIF, but I expect no one's buying. Choosey mom's choose PNG, anyhow. Big win for Free/Open-Source Software in general.

- The producers of the movie Underworld (this may be old news, but not to me) settled a copyright infringement lawsuit brought against them by RPG publisher White Wolf, makers of Werewolf: The Apocalypse and Vampire: The Masquerade. Apparently White Wolf made up the idea of vampires vs. werewolves, and wanted a piece of a very large pie. Yay, litigation! I'm gonna start a new company: Frivolous Barratry, Inc. Won't the judges love to see that on the docket sheet.

- Swiss Army knives now come with USB flash drives (thanks, Kid_Lysol).

- x.org has released a new version of the X11 server that includes many new changes that the XFree86 team refused to put in, such as drop shadows and true alpha-blending. Go x.org!

- My 'skins are 2 and 1 in the pre-season, and I haven't seen a single game. What was on instead? Olympics, a cop drama, a crappy TV movie, and somethin' else (I forgot). I missed watching them beat Miami (at Miami) 17 to nothin'. I know, I know... preseason... doesn't matter... blah blah blah. I wanted to see it anyway. This Friday. St. Louis. They better show it or else.

- Eric Hodges is a wimp and won't blog. His site hasn't been update in three days. Everyone head over to guitarsandbox.blogspot.com and let him know how you really feel.

Come back next week, when I'll read the news with weasels hanging from my earlobes.

Love songs about anything...

2004-08-23T22:05:00.000-04:00

Anybody remember "Semi-Charmed Life" by 3EB? I heard somebody mention the song was about cocaine. It still amazes me, because it seems like he's talking to a girl. So I challenged myself: can I write lyrics to a song that has nothing to do with a girl but sounds like it was written to one anyway?

Here it is: a love song about somebody tail-gating me in traffic.

Why are you following me
Can't get away from you
Whereever I go
There you are
Like my shadow

We're going too fast
But I have to stop
I'm about to break
And you keep getting too close

It's a misty haze we're ridin' into
And we crash, and we crash
And we crash and we burn in the end

I'm tryin' to slow down
No one wants to die today
But you keep rushin' me
Crowdin' me
But I know you can't stand the sight of me

I wanna make the turn
But it all whizzes by
You always ignore the signals
I think we're all gonna die

It's a misty haze we're ridin' into
And we crash, and we crash
And we crash and we burn in the end

Why can't you just let me be
Why can't you get up off me
Why can't you give up getting ahead
Why must you drive me crazy
Why must you be so angry
Why must we end up lying dead

It's a misty haze we're ridin' into
And we crash, and we crash
And we crash and we burn in the end

It's a fiery blaze we're riding into
But we crash, and we crash
And we crash and we burn in the end

Kid_Lysol, here's your assignment: compose a love song about your mom throwing your X-Box away.

And now a word from our sponsors...

2004-08-23T03:28:00.000-04:00

I don't know if Target does this all over, but here in Augusta, GA Target has a very distinctive and sobering method of in-store advertisement. When you walk in, the first thing you see hovering over the women's underwear section is a young lady in (what I guess Target wants you to think is trendy) underwear, smiling with the caption "WANT". Right behind it, over the ladies' accessories, is another girl smartly dressed, smiling over her various Target-bought accoutrements with the caption "NEED". This continues throughout the store, alternating "WANT" and "NEED". It's a simple message. Very to-the-point.

It's also universal. I went to the mall for the first time in two years last weekend. I was going to Sears for a washer and dryer. It's absolutely amazing; stores understand that the best advertising method is to appeal to mankind's two most basic instincts: vanity and the desire to acquire. Every clothier in the mall presents over-sized images of women in provocative clothing in a transparent attempt to captilize on women's insecurities ("This is beauty. Do you have it? Come buy it here."). Other stores just go straight for the jugular. One has simply an image of a well-endowed woman's cleavage; to my knowledge, the store in question does not sell underwear. Then there's A&F... well... I don't think I need to explain that one (it does bring to mind this interesting question: why would I want to buy their clothes if their own models don't wear them?).

This is what the world is selling: a fulfillment of all of your most basic desires (look better, feel better, be better). Problem is, it's a bill of goods. Your underwear does not make you a better person. Your clothes do not change who you are (unless you are an empty shell; I know some folks like that, WYSIWYG is the rule in those cases). I see all the little high-school Britney wanna-be's and see a complete waste of time and effort. No unique personality, no individualism, just empty shells heeding to call of "WANT" and "NEED", the penultimate proxies of the one true call of this world: "BUY". The world is selling, are you buying?

Vanity, vanity; everything is vanity. It's all just chasin' after the wind.

I wanna rock...

2004-08-21T20:52:00.000-04:00

I picked up the guitar about a year ago, finally acting out on a life-long childhood dream (which I was always too afraid to try beforehand; I was afraid I'd do it like I did the trombone and never practice). Today, a year later, I can play G chords, E chords, and the first four iterations of the F scale. In other words, I suck. Unbelievabley. Never have you known a whiter guy than me.

I listen to guys like Kid_Lysol and Mr. Spud jam, and I feel a very profound frustration with my inability to express myself on a guitar. Every morning in the shower I sit there and think about guitar melodies. Then I think of counter-melodies, and overlay the whole thing with power chords. I think about the composition all day long; tweaking it, adding in drums and synth and composing lyrics in my head. When I get home from work, all I can do is Do-Ra-Mi-La-Ti-Do-Si-Do. I wanna scream. I can't get the music out because I don't know the notes, don't know the chords, and I don't even know how to match a sound in my head with a sound on the string. And when I find the sounds, I can't move the fingers to do it, or I can't hit the right strings with the pick. I wanna scream some more. It's like I got rock in my freakin' bones, but just sits there, collecting because I can't get it out. It's like I got a grapefruit-sized tumor of rock that keeps growing.

And I can't get it out.

If I had mad skillz like Kid_Lysol and Mr. Spuds McKenzie, I'd stop trying to find a job and just start a freakin' band. I have a good job ($35,000 for a 25-year-old), great benefits (full health, dental, and vision), and a nice apartment ($900/month cost of living), and I eat out three meals every day. But I would rather rock, live in a trailer, and be poor. I'd throw it all away and eat ramen for the rest of my life if I could just rock. I'd swear an oath of celibacy, or silence, or whatever and join a monastary. I'd do anything short of cutting off limbs if I could rock.

So I'll keep playing my scales n' things, start drinking milk, and maybe one day I'll grow up and try not sucking at the guitar. I swear, I wanna scream.

I wanna rock.

Oh, bother it all...

2004-08-20T17:58:00.000-04:00

Here is my latest riddle. This time I made it so retardedly easy that someone must be able to figure it out. Here it is:

14 _a
84 _i
16 _n
A5 _no
17 _o
87 _ou
06 _s
19 _t
79 _to
21 ab
23 au
26 ca
A9 can
01 e_
07 e_t
31 ec
C1 el
13 er
35 f_
81 fi
10 h_
38 ha
09 i_
41 i_w
44 ig
99 it
C2 l_
45 le
48 my
B0 n_
76 na
50 no
D9 not
03 o_
54 on
70 ou
73 re
11 ri
08 s_
02 se
86 t_
E0 t_f
05 to
71 u_
75 un
82 ur
64 us
88 ut
67 ve
69 yo
D6 you

09 60 36 15 A2 64 E A5 17 N 01 02 32 08 T 03 04 14 15 01 05 06 53 V 07 H 01 48 62 13 I E 08 O 35 W H I C 10 09 W 11 12
P 13 38 P 08 D6 14 R 01 75 21 45 19 03 F 44 U 73 _ 99 17 88
B 88 84 _ M 64 86 D 70 B 86 99 15 31 23 02 16 03 54 01 26 N 92 76 G 07 03 75 R A 67 L 14 N Y 14 35 48 _ 11 D D 45 S
I 35 69 71 A9 50 86 81 G 82 01 A0 70 86 T 38 B0 41 I L C2 D9 19 C1 C2 D6
D6 _ 38 C0 79 _ 81 N D 87 E0 O R _ D6 R 02 L F

Riddle me this, riddle me that...

2004-08-19T17:37:00.000-04:00

No more regular posts until somebody solves a riddle. This one's easier:

Here's the alphabet:
_ ....
A ...:
D ..:.
E ..::
F .:..
I .:.:
L .::.
M .:::
N :...
O :..:
P :.:.
R :.::
S ::..
T ::.:
V :::.
H ::::

And here's the secret message:
1111711342212161211352111111112111123211222152153311413121412252653312422121121332215215225131121422114112111121312232

Here's a hint: start with ".".

You have five seconds. Go!!!

Use the decoder ring, Luke!

2004-08-19T12:03:00.000-04:00

Crack this code, and I'll treat you to lunch the next time you're in Augusta:

Here's the secret message's alphabet:
JUOPQASFKWBHTGYCDVILEXRNZM

Here's the secret message's cipher:
BK PH ZI YH _K I_ GP _Y A_ OY _U EL _F Q_ KI _G YL QI TQ K_ JT _ JI _J L_ GZ YG BG YR I PY RK LF T_ LQ V RF Y_

Here's the secret message:
ABCDEFAGHIJDKLMNOPQVWVJDVWVW
TUVWNJDRYWXZaNbcd
ePQVSdFfgVSTUVgNhWij
klOVgNhWij
TU

You have five seconds. Go!!!

Google also turns Fidel Castro into a poet...

2004-08-18T19:57:00.000-04:00

There's a Cuban net-zine called Granma that regularly quotes their Fearless Leader(tm). I have take the liberty of transliterating (via Google translate, as described earlier) a recent frothing tirade of his into pure poetry. Observe, the before:

We know that we have an enemy powerful in technology and armaments, but a total orphan in ideas. I am in no doubt that this empire is not going to have the duration of the Roman one; the rate and the velocity at which events are occurring in these times and the point that the planet has reached give me total certainty of that

And now, behold Fidel Castro, the man, the legend, the poet, waxes about how Neo will resurrect the Roman empire:

We know that an enemy who has the One, which is effective technology, and the ammunition, is, despite the orphans, in the ideal. They are in doubt of the mindset that this kingdom is not the last of the Roman; the difficulty and the speed, in which cases these periods are in the point that they introduce, in the cover of the stopped planet, elastic with the total amount of the urgency of this One.

You know, Google might make Faulkner readable, too.

In Google, "Kid_Lysol" tranlates into "fun"...

2004-08-18T17:11:00.000-04:00

I took Kid_Lysol's latest post, Save Your Applause For The End, and translated it into Spanish and back into English via the Google translation service. Here's the result:

I am looking for the fabric in my preferred motor search of the Internet, Google so here. Low and behold encounter trove of the treasure of the goodies that I will share with you. So without additional difficulty, we enter time behind 1984 in that this beauty first ventilated. I hope that you enjoyment of the conclusion of this small video because memory laughing of the end every time! In order to mount the Delorian to 1984, click here! Once, it watches the clapper!

Then, to French and back to English:

I seek fabric in my preferred search for engine of the Internet, Google so much here. Bottom and the behold meet the trove treasure of the goodies which I will divide with you. Thus without additional difficulty, we write time behind 1984 of the fact this beauty aired the first time. I hope that you pleasure of the conclusion of this small video because laughter of memory of the end each time! In order to assemble Delorian at 1984, click here! Once that, it observes the valve!

Finally, the Italians take a whack at it, and produce PURE POETRY:

I try the woven one in my preferred search of the motor of the Internet, Google therefore a lot here. The inferior part and the behold come to contact of the treasure of the trove of the goodies that I will divide with you. Therefore without additional difficulty, we write to time behind 1984 of the fact this ventilated beauty before the time. I hope that you it appeal to of the conclusion of this small video because laughter of the memory of the every extremity time! In order to mount Delorian to 1984, click here! Once that that one, it observes the valve!

It observes the valve, indeed.

Whoever wins... we lose $7.75 for the ticket...

2004-08-18T08:50:00.000-04:00

Aliens Vs. Predator... where to begin? These two lofty pinnacles of the science fiction genre stand independently as bright, shining lights in the horror/sci-fi genre, along with Event Horizon as a close third. So you think a cross-over would be perfect!!!

Not if it isn't done by James Cameron, it's not.

The movie (stand up and give me a witness) sucked big time (can I get an amen, shout halleluia!). That's right, brothers and sisters, it sucked. But don't take my word for it; mosy on over to Kid_Lysol's page, where I'm sure he'll give it a proper thrashing, too. In other news, alien gestation period has been reduced from one week to five minutes; that's from face-hugger-gets-stuck-on-ya all the way 'till big-ugly-life-size-alien. Five minutes.

I wanna throw up. By the way, here's a poiler: >> Predator gets spanked like a little girl and the humans have to help out, but they get spanked too 'til the end. <<

Seriously. It sucked.

This just in...

2004-08-17T16:47:00.000-04:00

I got hired full-time five minutes ago. Full benefits plus a pay raise. Roop roop!!!

My tongue hurts..

2004-08-17T12:55:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday I saw Collateral with Kid_Lysol, and I made a slight mistake. The movie theater near his house only takes cash (cheap bastitches, if you'll excuse my anglo-saxon), so I had to go down to da sto' to get some cash, but I have to buy somethin' to get cash-back. I choose an old favorite: Sour Skittles. So I'm in the theater, doin' it like I did as a youth of three years ago, popping five in my mouth at a time.

My tongue right now, four days later, is blistered and swollen. My taste buds are inflamed and they feel like I've been dropping hydrochloric acid on them. It sucks, and I can't taste anything. Kid_Lysol, you wanted to go see Collateral. I'm blaming you for my taste buds.

Ya bastitch. So are we still on for Aliens vs. Predator?

I'm Back

2004-08-17T09:51:00.000-04:00

After much prodding from Kid_Lysol, I'm back.

Kid_Lysol, this one's for you, because you are the Last Dragon. You possess the power of the world.

There can be only one...

2004-07-19T13:48:00.000-04:00

Two nights ago me, Trippy-Trav and Beau had an all-day Axis & Allies blowout marathon. Since I am known to whoop tail with the Russians, it was decided that I should play Axis by myself while the ladies tag-teamed me. We played twice in those eleven hours, and I remain invincible. Both games I took Russia in two turns, and twice I pummeled Britain and America with heavy bombers. With no cash for builds, they had naught but to concede.

Flippy, anytime you want to play again, you let me know. Me n' the gerry's will be waiting.

All the king's horses and all the king's men...

2004-07-16T08:57:00.000-04:00

...couldn't put the movie King Arthur together again. Don't get me wrong; it had some terribly cool moments, and the fight scenes couldn't be beat. Guinivere and Lancelot stand out as total booty-kickers and fun to watch in battle.

The problem? I couldn't care less about the characters. There was no character development to speak of. Developing characters takes place as you see their place in a well-written story unfold. Cinemtography sometimes accentuates this. In the case of King Arthur, character development relied solely on cinematography. All we knew about the characters was given to us in long shots of the characters looking introspective and angsty with soft background music. Boring!

Lancelot seems to have no connection whatsoever with his namesake. He's just another pagan brigand thrust reluctantly into battle; definitely not any Lancelot I've ever heard of. And don't get me started on the historicity. Guinivere as a warrior? I think not. And you know, if they're going to make her a warrior-celt, at least they can drop that Frenchy name and give her the good ol' Celtic version: Ghwynyfar.

All in all, the movie was worth watching for the cool fight scenes. They were way cool.

How stupid is this...

2004-07-15T13:18:00.000-04:00

Once again, the RIAA and MPAA are at it. Through the INDUCE act, they plan to criminalize all p2p programs (such as KaZaa, BitTorrent, Napster, etc.). This is just silly and outrageous. Already we have the DMCA, which criminalizes a large percentage of Americans. The RIAA and MPAA have repeatedly asked for police powers and the right to destroy computers housing illicit copyrighted material (in direct violation of the Constitution). So today, after work, I'm writing Senators Zell Miller and Saxby Chambliss.

If you live in Georgia, so should you.

Last night...

2004-07-15T08:43:00.000-04:00

Last night I spent five hours painting a miniature for my D&D character. It's the first time I have painted a "fig" in almost three years. Before that, I spent almost five years painting figs for historical miniature wargames. Usually I would play Napoleonic or ancient era games. For such games you have to paint up whole armies, so I would never spend more than 15 minutes tops on a fig.

But, this was special; I was only painting one. So I double toned everything, went and bought special paint, and generally had a blast. I think it looks terrific. I may have caught the bug again.

In other news, I'm thinking I might want to pick up model tank-building again...

Comic book Wednesday is a bust...

2004-07-14T12:44:00.000-04:00

It's Comic book Wednesday all over the country, and more sad fans of CrossGen Publishing fail to see any of its three remaining major titles: Negation War, Sojourn, and Route 666. Apparently not only has CrossGen gone chapter 11, but they've completely suspended operations until they find more financial backers. It's too bad, because CrossGen is the only comic book publisher that (in my humble opinion) doesn't suck.

Also too bad, but The Walking Dead issue #8 remains elusive to me. It sold out three hours after it hit the stand, and there's no ETA at the shop as to when the reorder arrives. I cry on the inside.

In case you wanted to know...

2004-07-14T11:18:00.000-04:00

I hate Windows. I have to work with it everyday at the office, and it reminds me of why I switched to Gentoo Linux at home. The only thing I can't do very well is play streamed audio or video off the internet. This is a constant source of irritation to Travis, who often comes over and keeps trying to get that Hawthorne Heights song to play in Mozilla Firefox (the browser for discriminating web surfers). Of course, it doesn't work. But it's not Mozilla's fault; it's the stupid DRM crud they load into files that breaks compatibility with mplayer.

Something I can do very nicely is play games. Lately I've gotten addicted to Enemy Territory. I haven't played in the last week, though; I've been playing non-stop Axis & Allies with Travis. Somehow I always end up owning Europe, Asia, and Africa. Unlike ET, where everyone ends up 0wning me.